DirECtions: rEAD thE Following pAssAgE AnD thEn AnswEr inComplEtE、sEntEnCEs thE quEstions whiCh Follow EACh pAssAgE. usE only inFormAtion From thE pAssAgE you hAvE just rEAD AnD writE your AnswEr in thE CorrEsponDing spACE in yourAnswErBooklEt.
now thAt my son hAs turnED 13, i’m thinking ABout writing A sElF-hElp Book For pArEnts oF tEEnAgErs. it woulD BE A sEnsitivE, insightFul Book thAt woulD ExplAin thE ComplEx, EmotionAlly ChArgED rElAtionship BEtwEEn thE pArEnt AnD thE ADolEsCEnt ChilD、thE titlE woulD BE: "i’m A jErk ; you’rE A jErk. "
thE unDErlying philosophy oF this Book woulD BE thAt, ContrAry to whAt you hEAr From thE "ExpErts", it’s A BAD iDEA For pArEnts AnD tEEnAgErs to AttEmpt to CommuniCAtE with EACh othEr, BECAusE thErE’s AlwAys thE risk thAt onE oF you will ACtuAlly FinD out whAt thE othEr onE is thinking.
For ExAmplE, my son thinks it’s A FinE iDEA to stAy-up until 3A、m. on sChool nights rEADing whAt ArE CAllED "suspEnsE novEls," DEFinED As "novEls whErEin thE most positivE thing thAt CAn hAppEn to A ChArACtEr is thAt thEEvil onEs hill kill himBEForE、thEy EAt his BrAin. " my son sEEs no ConnECtion BEtwEEn thE FACt thAt hE stAys up rEADing thEsE Books AnD thE FACt thAt hE DoEsn’t FEEl likE going to sChool thE nExt DAy.
"roB," i tEll him, As hE is EAting his BrEAkFAst in ExtrEmE slow motion with his EyEs ComplEtEly DosED, so thAt hE somEtimEs ACCiDEntAlly puts FooD into his EAr, "i wAnt you to go to slEEp EArliEr. "
"DAD," hE sAys, using thE tonE oF voiCE you might usE whEn AttEmpting to ExplAin An ABstrACt intEllECtuAl ConCEpt to An oystEr, "youDon’t unDErstAnD、i Am not tirED、i Am spoosh (sounD oF my son pAssing out FACE-Down in hisCrACklin’ oAtBrAn)."
oF CoursE, psyChologists woulD tEll us thAt FAiling AslEEp in CErEAl is normAl For young tEEnAgErs, who nEED to BEComE inDEpEnDEnt oF thEir pArEnts AnD mAkE thEir own liFE DECisions, whiCh is FinE, ExCEpt thAt iF my son mADE his own liFE DECisions, his iDEAl DAily sChEDulE woulD BE:
miDnight to 3A、m. —rEAD suspEnsE novEls.
3A、m. to3 p.m. —slEEp.
3:15 p. m. —orDEr hEArty BrEAkFAst FromDomino’s pizzA AnD put on louD, hiDEous musiC rECorDED livE in hEll.
4 p.m. to miDnight—Blow stuFF up.
unFortunAtEly this sChEDulE woulD lEAvE littlE room For, sAy, sChool, so wE hAvE to supply pArEntAl guiDAnCE ("iF you Don’t opEn this Door right now i willBrEAk itDown AnDChArgE、it to yourAllowAnCE"), thE rEsult BEing thAt our rElAtionship with our son CurrEntly involvEs A CErtAin Amount oF ConFliCt, in thE sAmE sEnsE thAt thE pACiFiC oCEAn involvEs A CErtAin Amount oF wAtEr.
At lEAst hE DoEsn’t wEAr giAnt pAnts. i kEEp sEEing young tEEn-AgE mAlEs wEAringEnormous pAnts; pAnts thAt two or thrEE tEEn-AgErs CoulD oCCupy simultAnEously AnD still hAvE room in thErE For A piCniC BAskEt; pAnts thAt A Clown woulD rEFusE to wEAr on thE grounDs thAt thEy wErE too unDigniFiED、thE young mEn wEAr thEsE pAnts rEAlly low, so thAt thE wAist is ABout knEE lEvEl AnD thE pAnts Butt DrAgs on thE grounD、you CoulD not BE An EFFECtivE CriminAl wEAring pAnts likE thEsE, BECAusE you’D BE unABlE to FlEE on Foot with Any vEloCity.
poliCE、oFFiCEr: wE trACkED thE AllEgED pErpEtrAtor From thE CrimE sCEnE By Following thE trAil oF his DrAgging pAnts Butt.
prosECutor:AnD whAt wAs hE Doing whEn you CAught up with him
poliCE、oFFiCEr: hE wAs hoBBling in A suspiCious mAnnEr.
whAt i wAnt to know is, how Do young pEoplE Buy thEsE pAntsDo thEy try thEm on to mAkE surE thEyDon’t FitDo thEy tAkE Along A 570-pounD FriEnD, or A mAturE polAr BEAr, AnD Buy pAnts thAt Fit him
i AskED my son ABout thEsE pAnts, AnD hE tolD mE thAt mAinly "BAssErs" wEAr thEm. "BAssErs" ArE pEoplE who likE A lot oF BAss in thEir musiC、thEy DrivE ArounD in CArs with Four-trillion-wAtt sounD systEms plAying rECorDings oF w